Messing Up Is The Right Thing To Do
Do you ever say the wrong thing? You are generally very careful about not hurting other people’s feelings or offending them in any way. In fact, as a highly sensitive person you pride yourself on your ability to be kind and understanding. But sometimes it happens. There is a shift in the other person’s body language. The tension in the air is tangible. And there it is, that gut punch in your own body: shame.
Is there a flicker of recognition as you read this? Take a moment to notice your body right now. Whatever you find when you notice your body is interesting information that tells you something about yourself, in particular your habitual ways of reacting to the world around you. The more we practice noticing our habitual reactions, the more familiar they become, and the more we start seeing patterns. The same kinds of reactions keep coming back. Shame, guilt, people-pleasing, perfectionism, resentment. Yes, we all have access to the entire range of emotions and experiences, but when we start paying attention there is a handful that come back much more frequently. And they usually are accompanied by the same body sensations and the same kinds of thoughts and stories we have made up about them. These habitual emotions, body sensations and thoughts come as a packaged deal. They’re the ones to be curious about. They hold powerful information about us, our stuck points, and also our superpowers. These are what we call our parts.
Nobody likes putting their foot in their mouth, as the expression goes. But depending on our history, when this happens some of us will want to be swallowed up by the earth, while others will be able to notice the shame reaction and move to repair. They will apologize - not over apologize - and move on. Even if they continue to feel pangs of shame throughout the day, they continue to notice and to forgive themselves each time.
Being human means making mistakes. We all know this. We know it’s how we learn. We know it, yet in the moment we forget. In the moment, we listen to the inner critic who says, “I can’t believe you said that. Why did you open your big mouth?” We literally add insult to injury. The challenge is to notice our shame reaction, AND to be willing to feel the grief of being flawed. This is not easy, but it allows us to move on to making repair. This in turn provides an opportunity to increase connection with the other person, rather than shut it down while we stay stuck in our own shame. So please, when you find yourself getting it wrong today, try to notice your response. Remind yourself, “Messing up is the RIGHT thing to do” and let yourself off the hook.
As always, if you have a Burning Question, or would like to share about how any of the above issues are showing up in your life, reply to this email. I would love to hear from you. Who knows, your question/story may just be featured in an upcoming newsletter.
Warmly,
Mary B.
PS: I am diligently working on my group program Reclaim Your Creativity. Find all the details here or sign up to be on my waitlist here.
