I Have No Shame (I Think?)
It feels like a gut punch, or a cringe. Your shoulders hunch and you want to disappear. Or… it feels like nothing at all. Some of us are painfully aware of it. Others have gotten very good at keeping it entirely out of awareness. Shame? Who, me?
Shame is one of our most unpleasant emotions. We simply DO NOT want to feel it, and we will go to great lengths not to have to. The trouble is, whether we are aware of our shame or not, many of us spend so much energy pushing it down that there is little energy left for pursuing the things we enjoy. When it flies under the radar shame can wreak havoc on our mental wellbeing.
The more we ignore, dismiss, avoid, push down any emotions, the more they will hang around and try to get our attention. Our emotions are who we are, and they want to be known by us. The more we acknowledge them, allow them, feel them, accept them, welcome them, and love them, the more they will relax and just pass through us. The less energy we spend on fighting our emotions, the more energy we free up to be who we really are and to pursue joy and creativity.
So, what are some of our strategies to keep shame at bay? There’s perfectionism, people pleasing, guilt, harsh criticism of ourselves and/or others, overachieving, underachieving, and so on. How does unacknowledged shame stick around and try to get our attention? Through symptoms like (social) anxiety, insomnia, depression, overwhelm, shut-down, dissociation, low self-esteem, physical pain and ailments, and much more.
As I have been working with trauma survivors - and, honestly, I consider most if not all humans to be trauma survivors - I have seen how shame is at the root of so much of what keeps us stuck in life. That is why I have made it my mission to open the box of shame. I want to expose shame, not as the big, bad, ugly monster most of us are running from, but as the fearful little kid that lives inside each of us.
It’s the part of us that holds all the “badness” so that the rest of us can feel “good.” It’s my mission to help you to slowly, gradually invite your shame to come out of hiding. When you do, if you do, I guarantee what you will find is not “badness.” It’s just a little kid that experienced painful things and that’s waiting to hear the good news: You’re not bad. Just human.
Doing art is a great way to coax shame out of hiding. More on that later. For now, I invite you to start noticing the little 5 year-old part inside of you that holds the shame. Where do you feel it in your body? No need to start digging into its history. Just start by acknowledging it’s there. And try to feel compassion for the pain it holds for you.
As always, if you have a Burning Question, or would like to share about how any of the above issues are showing up in your life, reply to this email. I would love to hear from you. Who knows, your question/story may just be featured in an upcoming newsletter.
Warmly,
Mary B.
PS: I am diligently working on my group program Reclaim Your Creativity. Find all the details here or sign up to be on my waitlist here.
