The Elephant in the Room

Back when I worked for Lumina Hospice I used to run a grief group. We talked a lot about finding ways to “lean into grief” - that thing no one wants to do but that does bring some relief, when done in small doses. 

At one point we had a grief group of mostly women over fifty. As I took off my sweater and asked if anyone else was hot, the women chuckled.

“Absolutely not,” I said. “I am nowhere near any of that.” 

I wasn’t! But they had that knowing look on their faces and joked, “Just lean into it, Mary.” 

It’s the same look people used to give me when my girls were little. 

“Wait till they’re all teenagers,” they said.

And I said, “No, my kids will go straight from childhood to adulthood.” I kind of believed it, too. Denial can be so sweet. 

It didn’t pan out for me, of course. I still have two lovely teenagers at home as we speak. 

The other thing also didn’t pass me by. It’s been the elephant in the room for a while now. I’ve successfully kept it at bay but I can’t pretend anymore. It’s been kicking my butt. 

And it’s been trying to push me back in the box I used to inhabit. The one that keeps me small and hidden. 

It’s a well worn neural pathway of mine. Whenever something happens I don’t like and I can’t control: Retreat, lay low until it passes. 

Another popular strategy is to blame yourself for doing it WRONG - you SHOULD be able to handle this better.

It’s messing with my joy. 

So, it’s time to remind myself of the new neural pathway I’ve forged for myself, the one that comes in with compassion and courage. 

Today I’m looking the elephant straight in the face, and I’m calling it out.

Hey menopause. I see you. I don’t particularly like you. But I’m willing to get to know you. Since we’re both here, we may as well try to be friends. 

But first let’s get one thing clear, I am not getting back into that box, ever. I’m not laying low until life passes. I’m an active participant and I chose to create a life that’s vibrant and joyful.

And guess what? I actually do feel a little better. There’s relief in naming whatever is bothering you, and allowing it to play out - that’s what it was doing anyway. 

Allowing, there we have it. Those who’ve been to my office know that word has special meaning for me. 

It’s the key to a more peaceful, joyful life. 

It’s right up there with noticing. They go hand in hand.

Noticing and allowing.

Trusting that whatever happens, we can handle it. 

When we allow it, we can talk about it, make choices about it, give it a seat at the table. 

One small choice I’ve made is to go back to my gratitude journal. I’ve filled up several over the years and I return to it each time I realize my mind is noticing the difficult stuff a little too much. 

Leaning into the things that are hard is all good and well, but only in small doses. No need to linger. No need to figure it all out or fix it.

My gratitude journal helps me notice the life-giving things that happen every day. 

• I am grateful I went out for my hike in spite of the rain.

• I am grateful I got some painting in today.

• I am grateful I had an idea for my newsletter.

• I am grateful for new ways of coping.

What about you? What’s one thing that’s messing with your joy, and how do you handle it? Do you keep a gratitude journal? What’s one small thing you’re grateful for today?

Drop me a line to let me know. It truly makes my day to hear back from you. So please, keep it coming. Also, if you know anyone who would find my newsletters supportive, please forward this email on to them. I want to inspire more people to live a more joyful, creative life. 

With love and support,

Mary B. 

P.S. Our next Journal Doodle Circle is this Wednesday. It’s an intentional space for practicing the life-giving skill of noticing and meeting ourselves and others where we are. To sign up or be kept informed of gathering dates, click here. 

P.P.S. Work with me 1:1 to Reignite Your Art and Your Life. If you want to turn your anxiety and insecurity into powerful art or a creative project, I’m here to guide you through. Read more here. 

P.P.P.S. If you’re local, stop by my office at the Benton Plaza and share your thoughts the slow, old-fashioned way on my community wall.